God bless Mother Nature - she's a single woman, too!

I haven't mentioned my vegetable garden much, because it's been bringing me down, man.  I think I mentioned in a previous post that Rad had these forearm-sized zucchinis (bigger than Ace's forearm, even), while I have nothing. 

I mean, I have cherry tomatoes, and they're nice and sweet,  and I have some jalapenos (I thought they were jalapenos) that have surprised me by ripening into a lovely red color.  But my "EASY TO GROW!" zucchinis have, all summer long, been flowering prolifically, and developing these adorable little zucchinis, but once they get to the size of your finger, they turn black and shrivel up.  It's very depressing. 

Back in July we had an agriculture major from UC Davis ("the Aggies") evaluate the backyard and he suggested overwatering.  No way.  We're really bad about watering.  And the reproachful wilting when I tried to hold back persuaded me that wasn't the problem.  And I don't think it's underwatering, because the tomatoes and peppers seem perfectly fine, and I've been very attentive lately about regular dousings.  And we're fertilizing and composting up a storm!  (Though admittedly with less enthusiasm.  I wonder if the quicker payoff of a worm farm would be more satisfying.)

Rad suggested that next year we can talk about building up a raised bed and trying again. 

But it's more fun to pout.

But just now, the county fair blue-ribbon winning secretary greeted me cheerfully and asked, "So how's your garden?"  This from a woman who brings in pails of tomatoes every week to the office.

I shrugged and made a face, and told her what I just told you.  And she put a hand on my shoulder and explained a solution that had never crossed my mind but now seems totally likely:

My zucchinis aren't getting laid.

The secretary said that even once they start to fruit, if the female flowers don't get some lovin' from the male flowers, they'll just give up and the fruits will rot away.  Which is exactly what's happening!  She said that she'll even baggie up the male dust if she hasn't got any female flowers out, and then go back with a Q-Tip. 

It's true that while there are a couple of bumblebees I usually say hello to on the way out the front door, we don't seem to have much in the way of buggery (as it were) in the back yard, and I think I even read somewhere that bees aren't crazy about squashes anyway.

It's totally possible!  That must be it!  It makes perfect sense!

I'm so excited!  I can't wait to get home and tell little Miss Zukes to forget about the cold showers I keep giving her, it's finally gonna start raining men!

Comments

[Professor Art Nerd]

I don't garden, and I am pretty much genetically disposed to fail at it should I try. I just appreciate that you've made a story about zucchini dirty in a way I wasn't expecting. Way to go!

[Brittany]

Hi I found you on Frema's blog. Sorry about your zucchinis having a bad year. If it makes you feel any better, I had a terrible year for cherry tomatoes.

Who'd have thought zucchinis could be so needy. Best of luck with your future squash mating!

[TasterSpoon]

Hmm, P.A.N., I wouldn't expect someone with nudie pictures on her site to get excited over my poor, dried up little zucchinis.

Over the weekend I had big plans for a zucchini singles cruise, but the only flowers blooming at the mo are male. Zucchini sausage party. They're all, "Where are the LADIES??" And then they just stand at the bar drinking cheap beer, looking around.

Hi, Brittany! Frema's very addicting, isn't she? I can't decide whether I've had a successful cherry tomato season or not. I've gotten a lot, but they all seem to burst before I can pick 'em. So I guess I should say the *possum* has had a successful cherry tomato season.